Gambling

I don't even know where to start.

Life presented me with a huge life choice that I wish didn't even have to be an option. This is old news, but I was offered that job in DC. I was never really sure about it but just looked at the positives: a new adventure, getting away, growing... I must be crazy for choosing to stay here. But I kept waking up thinking I was making a mistake, cried every day, just never felt good anymore...

In my gut it is now clear that I want to be here. It always has been, but I convinced myself to be open to a different plan. As it turns out, I'm not ready for this hyped up adventure I've been craving. I just hope that this wasn't my only "escape" for my fear of being trapped here but I really don't think it is. (Doctors Without Borders, please)

It's not cool that it even had to come to this. I'll be a perfectly good nurse anywhere. I want to be here with my family (especially my sick grandma whose day is lit up when she sees me) and friends. Why was the only option to start applying around the country? What are the many jobless BSN's doing wrong? We graduated at a time when the economy sucked.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I have learned a ton these past few weeks. Many of the things I have learned are negative, but I guess it is better to be aware and I will take steps to make myself better. I really am not ready to leave based on things I have learned about myself. Am I really 23? Doesn't seem like it... feel more like 18.

Bessie just told me something that is so true that I don't think I've thought of before. I was telling her how I feel like such a coward and idiot, and she re-validated me and said it is brave for me to acknowledge the mistake I made. My problem is that I'm a people pleaser. I never knew I was so much of a people pleaser that I couldn't even look into myself deep down and even know what I wanted. I just should've been patient and listened to my TRUE self. I shouldn't have been a slave to expectation and pressure. Now look what happened...

I am still getting all sorts of outside pressure. People think I'm nuts for letting this opportunity pass me by, even my dad over in Hong Kong. Yesterday I had 4 emails from him trying to push me to DC. It makes me feel even worse but I am just not ready. I am not strong enough to be far from my support all while getting used to the huge RN responsibilities. Just even thinking about this reality is making me cry. So done with crying.

Now what? I have to move forward. I have to have faith that everything will work out. I have to have faith that I will not get into some sort of trouble. I need faith that things will work out.

And I am so sorry for all of this turmoil I have caused.
I feel so small.