I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me

I just woke up from a nap and feel kind of depressed. Hmm... just feel like a life update.

Who woulda thunk I would fall in love with flag football? I joined another team today at school. It's the RA team captained by Enrique. Improving at something feels so good and the game is so damn fun. We won our fooball game! It was tough but we pulled it off :) I love my team. Also got to guest host on my cousin/team people's podcast "Hey Batter No Shirt" (HBNS #15) (go listen and don't judge me! All jokes.) which was really fun. Played the most amazing prank on my cousin, then hilarity in many forms ensued.

Could my senioritis be any worse? FML

Excerpt from the new JayMay song "Who Says" that is speaking to me now:

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me and my house alone
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I can’t be free?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Baton Rouge
I don’t remember you looking any better
But then again I don’t remember you

“The Visitor”

After seeing the previews for the movie “The Soloist” starring (my main man) Robert Downey Jr., I had high hopes for a movie about the power of music and unexpected friendships… but the flick didn’t really deliver.

My mom was recommended an indie film called “The Visitor” and got what the Soloist had the potential to deliver plus way, way more on a scale much deeper than I expected.

I dare the haters of illegal immigrants to watch this movie.
Disclaimer: not a movie if you are in the mood for something with a picture-perfect happy ending.

I am basically writing this to tell people to watch it. The premise is about an intellectual, widowed, square college professor / author who lives a structured life and how his world changes when he finds a couple (a man from Syria, a woman from Senegal) living in his second home while he was away. A friendship forms and the main character, Walter (pictured left) is inspired to learn the djembe from his new found friend, Tarek. I don’t want this to be a spoiler so will just mention what I got from the flick. The movie humanizes the story of immigrants, explores identity, exposes the journey of re-connecting with one’s emotions, and the importance of connections in life. (I also want to add I was a fan of the music, me being a sucker for beats. Music ties the movie together, showing the power and inspiration of music and community). It’s not a film with a happy ending, but I found myself so invested in the characters’ stories that I wasn’t upset when that happy ending never came. I felt exposed to the world and challenged. Great film.

my life according to John Mayer

Damn it, Bessie / Jake + Enrique (facebook)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick Your Artist:
John Mayer

Are you Male or Female?
Daughters

Describe yourself:
Bigger than My Body

How do you feel:
Stop this Train

Describe where you currently live:
Wheel

If you could go anywhere where would you go:
Your Body is a Wonderland

Your favorite form of transportation is:
Free Fallin’

Your best friend is:
New Deep

You and your best friends are:
Clarity

What's the Weather Like?
Vultures

What is your favorite time?
Come Back to Bed

If your life was a TV show what would it be called?
Another Kind of Green

What is Life to you?
Neon

Your last relationship:
Comfortable

Your fear:
Split Screen Sadness

What is the best advice you have to give?
Good Love Is On The Way

Thought for the day:
Gravity

How would I like to die?
Bold As Love

My Soul's present condition:
Home Life

My motto:
The Heart of Life (…is good)

Ink Stage 1

There is the drawing! It will be black ink with some grey shading.
Questions? Concerns? Comments? Ideas?

End-of-Summer Crisis

WTF this is like our last summer!!! Haven’t truly written anything of worth in awhile, so here goes a large update.

Summer has actually turned out to be pretty great, although I am starting to get a little worn out because of the usual family drama. Working at my dad’s office has its pros and cons. I get paid to facebook and watch So You Think You Can Dance clips, but then I also have to do piddly things around the office… Then there’s the filing cabinets full of secrets that I wish I didn’t know, or the lunches where dad leaves to go to the bank while I wait for food because there is “nothing better to do.” But hey, at least I am making money this month. Surgery has been canceled for about 3 weeks straight now. Tomorrow’s my first day back since July 16th. Holy crap! Boob job stories to come…

I remember dreading this summer because not many friends would be around. That does stink kind of, but I have also loved the beauty of relaxing at my house and just feeling at home. That bucket list I made could use some work, but I am content so far and there is still a whole 5 weeks left. My mom and I have had a lot of time together which has been pretty great. She is getting sad that she will be empty-nested in this big lonely house soon even though my little brother can give her crap. My little Beau is my best friend. It is sad seeing him with signs of arthritis but he is still a champ and a love.

Interesting stuff. Hmm some that come to mind: there was the MJ memorial in LA, Cancun with Mama for a week, camping in Pot Holes, trips up to Seattle, hours of SYTYCD, and a little bit of actual dancing. Rachel and I tried lyrical which was a challenge, but it was fun being back in a class. Last night Dani and I started learning the “Battlefield” dance! We’re about 45 seconds in:

My 88-year-old grandpa had an episode of severe dehydration which was terrifying at the time. I’m glad to be going into nursing. In situations like that, it makes me thankful to know that my education is paying off. My great aunt just found out she has stage 3 (kind of 2) lung cancer and starts chemo tomorrow… Auntie has a GI infection. My former co-worker / friend got a bone marrow infection and has to go to daily IV antibiotic treatment that could potentially take years. I am thankful for good health.

Another dramatic thing was the housing search. DEAR LORD. Now that it is over and seems to have worked out, it is okay to be excited. I am ecstatic to be in a house with 4 of my best friends. I should also mention that it is a cute place! Madrona neighborhood, 32nd and Pike – get over it, it’s not that bad. Promise!

The tattoo has been drawn out and is getting done September 2nd. Finally! Making shit happen and dreams come true. So shit = dreams, I guess?

It’s going to be tough balancing stuff this school year… the LAST one at SU! Maybe even forever! I want to pass classes, but have time for memories with friends and try to come home more to make sure mama is alright. I also want to try to go to dance classes (yeah right when school starts) and get in shape (again, yeah right when school starts)! I am going to be on a football team. Okay, fine, it’s flag football. My cousin called the team the “AZN Misfits” and we are stuck with it… he thought he’d be able to change it. Oh well! Come laugh at me on Saturday games.

You know what’s been nice? Not worrying about men. Last summer was great, but kind of miserable with the impending doom thing. I am so glad to not have to worry about that kind of stuff. Today I heard 2 reports of friends being cheated on by boyfriends – all in one lunch sitting. Come on, guys… I know girls do it as well, but I am starting to lose hope in all men. I challenge someone to prove me wrong. Teeeeheeeee

Tentative Sunday Bumbershoot Sched.

So much overlap :(
...but I am so excited. Hope you are going! Click the link.

SCHED: Bumbershoot: Seattles Music & Arts Festival: natalaide's schedule

Shared via AddThis

Summer Bucketlist

In no particular order:

1. Be outside more
2. Go camping
3. Learn the “Thriller” dance
4. Read for fun!
5. Watch all of the Bruce Lee movies
6. Explore Seattle
7. Spend time with mama and Beau
8. Vaycay (Cancun!)
9. Tattoo
10. Dance classes
11. Sell junk in our garage
12. Become certified in Reiki (level 1 for now)
13. Adrenaline-related activities. Oh… twice a month?
14. Perseids meteor shower
15. Get back in shape!

REST IN PEACE, MICHAEL JACKSON.

And then it ended

Most people have no idea how much of a challenge this year was. From feelings of failure, isolation, heartbreak, rejection, disappointment, fear, and doubt – this year has been one rough roller coaster! Despite those elements there have also been great things: community, fulfillment, calling, fun, presence, oldfriends, newfriends, family, and unforgettable moments. All good things must come to an end, and so must the bad. And good riddance! But let’s focus on the good:

I never wrote on my blog about Ecuador, but it was definitely the most meaningful experience I have ever had.

There was community:

Song:

Pure, spontaneous, joyous dance:

Blessings:

Strength:

Peace:

Love that transcended language and generations; made up of mere presence:

Little Kisses, Little Hands, Little Toes, Big Hearts:

Undeserved Love:

and the further grounding of a Chosen Family (not all members shown):

…Going through all those pictures made me really miss Duran :(

If anything, 2008-2009 was humbling, and through that came strength.
Things don’t always turn out the way you wanted or planned,
but you gotta roll with the punches.
Through failure is motivation for success.
People aren’t always who you thought they were.
You aren’t always who you thought you were.
Change happens – in thought, heart, expectations…
But what does it all mean to you and what are you gonna do about it?

Now hoping for bigger, better, brighter, happier things!

Poetry (in motion)

To summarize the time leading up to the long-weekend then the Sasquatchian weekend itself:

When she gets to her moments of peace after her turmoil… wow. Her movement is exactly how I felt about a lot of the weekend away from the mess of the city. The first half is pretty freaky, but it kind of reminds me of how life was feeling beforehand. Man, starting at 1:53 = beauty. The sun, the trees, the moment, the movement… Here are the words from those moments:

Stop.
Let go.
Breathe.
The weight is lifting --
I remember this
Presence.
Now is all there is.
My mind is finally resting.
Clarity.
I see this space,
I hear the silence.
My skin is tingling
I’m alive,
Completely alive.
Love – it’s all around me
Unconditionally.
A miracle.
The beauty of your beings.
Creation of perfection.
There I am as a tree
This peace is within me
There is always a choice
This moment is perfect
It is the only one that exists
Be still, my mind
And let me live.

Wade Robson, you’ve done it again :) Always touching my soul with your work!

It was hard going into the weekend and just letting everything go, to just breathe. We were surrounded by nature, love, and friends. Still, I didn’t realize how amazing those moments (that were right in front of me the whole time – that are probably always there even in Seattle) were until “late” into Saturday.

I would give anything to go back.
To stare at the stars all night
while pondering the insignificance of my being.
To hear the silence
in the midst of the thousands of everything.
To be kissed by the sun
and wrapped in its warmth.
To be with friends,
my chosen family.
To be a witness of love and harmony
in song, in company, in laughter, in dance.
I would give anything to go back
and remember what it is
To Be
in love
with life.

Attempted (spontaneous) poetic moment. That hasn’t happened in years! What a release.

Now we’re back to Seattle and I feel like a mess again, partially because part of me is still stuck dreaming about the warmth of the sun. I can’t wait to just BE!!! Love.

Sasquatch pt. 1

"The dream is real! Look around you!"
- Mos Def gesturing passed the crowd into the horizon’s sunset.

I loved Mos Def and his dimples.

That will be all for now. Time to sleep.

Elephant sky

There were elephants in the sky today.

Yeah, I got them on google images –
what’re you gonna do about it?

Anyway, it was a peaceful sight.

Keep Fishing

DELETED

I’m the MOTHAflippin Rhymenoceros

First off: word to your mom! I’m at home and it’s a gorgeous day and I have a tender and HUGE writing blister… in the spirit of Fred, I am completely okay with this.

Also in the spirit of Fred, I got into the mindset of thinking about the good things in people, and there are so many things that I admire about others. It’s weird thinking about your friends individually for awhile then realizing what qualities they have that make them unique and gifts to those who know them.

Another thought, have you ever thought about how different your life would be if one major decision had been different? For me, the weirdest thing is thinking about where I would be if I hadn’t chose SU. MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE WITH THE POSSIBILITIES! Who would you be? Who would you know? What would your goals be? Would you be the same major? What would get you out of bed in the morning?

I love where my decisions have led me to right now. I have the most amazing, thoughtful, selfless, and beautiful friends that anyone could ask for as evidenced by Thursday night fondue. Also old friends – Alex Merkle and Jen’s sister (Sarah) made brownies and brought me tea last night. Then we watched infomercials. What a fun night.I’ve been sick since Monday night and kind of not myself, but I hope no one is worried. After this hump is overcome, I will hopefully be back to myself. (School sucks, but what’s new? Sigh…) But yeah, no worries are required. I just want to enjoy life. There are a lot of good things to look forward to in the near future: Flight of the Conchords Monday, Quadstack Saturday, Sasquatch and Folklife the weekend after that, then JUNE. I wish my high school friends would be here this summer… and that there were jobs available…

In other news, I am at home and it smells like my house. That smell is so good. I just wish it was a more peaceful environment.

I’m so excited for this:

Honest Ventilation

A lot rides on a midterm on Monday but I don’t feel like studying anymore. I’ve been really stressed today, on the verge of a breakdown, but I fought it. I hate being weak, and I’m not sure if it would’ve helped. If need be I’ll break down after the test… I’m already making arrangements :( My biggest fear in life is failure, which to me is a form of personal weakness, and I need to learn to love myself if I do, in fact, need to face that fear soon. Ugh.

This negative thinking stuff sucks. Since nursing started, I’ve noticed that I complain a lot. How unattractive. How annoying. I apologize for this. It is my main coping mechanism, but hey, at least I’m being honest.

Speaking of honesty, one thing that I want to publish to the world to get off my chest: I am happy to announce the progress I’ve made with my damaged heart this past month.

The complaining I mentioned (too often) stemmed from the unsettled matters of my heart and it can finally be said that I’ve made strides in my healing process – and I think I know why. For one, I was finally honest with myself. I acknowledged that I was not as strong as I gave off, and it’s okay for me to not be strong sometimes. I was honest that it was not mutual and that I lied to myself; someone I deeply loved hurt me, caused me pain again and again (might I add that it was unintentional). Now I know that people and life change all the time (even when you think you understand it/them), when you least expect. No more lying to myself. Every feeling that I feel is okay. Anger, sadness, confusion… whatever… and it’s gonna keep happening and that’s fine! Accepting it and facing it will only help in the long run :)

I have learned so much about myself this year and that wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t been alone. I have goals… hopes… dreams… things I never named before that I can now look forward to.

So through this pain, I have gained so much and I am thankful for my friends who help me get through every day.

It is easy to say that this year has probably been the “worst” overall of my life. There have been so many amazing parts, don’t get me wrong! Just overall feelings… but things are looking up, minus this damn class and midterm.

Just keep fishing, just keep swimming!!!

I will leave you with an image from The Rescue:

Image by Rhys Logan on Flickr from the Seattle Rescue!

Could’ve been my secret

:)

:)

:)

Waiting for my sign / RIP Trini

This short film just made my day:

Signs
Uploaded by mg02

If you have 10 minutes free and want to feel warm and fuzzy, press "play!"

Happy Easter.

\/\/\/\EDIT/\/\/\/

I felt it was necessary to add this. I just hate to spoil the top half of my post with sad news, but I think you should know:

I just found out that my childhood hero, Thuy Trang (better known as the YELLOW RANGER on Power Rangers), passed away in a car crash in 2001. I feel like my life is a lie! How could I not know my hero had passed 8 years ago? Thank you for being a role model and teaching me to be strong.

The Rescue

Be expecting a heartfelt post about my life-changing experience in Ecuador!!! Check out my new layout for a preview :)

While we wait:

Another issue close to my heart is the movement to end the war in Northern Uganda. I've been involved with the movement which has been spearheaded by an organization called the Invisible Children. There's been a lot of progress in the past 6 years because of them and this year, they are calling on supporters to help them with a big event to bring (THE BAD GUY) Joseph Kony's abducted child soldiers home in an event called THE RESCUE.




I encourage all of you to abduct yourself with me, to make our voices heard at this event on April 25th. If you want more information, let me know!

Buy a "uniform," write letters, tell your friends, and let's bring these kiddos home!

Oh yeah, Ben Gibbard will be there as an extra incentive. He will be our "rescuer"...

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/home/

Defenders Unite!

I felt the need to delete that last post.

It's funny how things work out. I am strangely happy about things (at this present moment in time) and have the best friends in the world :)

Last night I almost posted the lyric
Bad news never had good timing...
But you know what??? Sometimes it does, you just don't know it. Things really do happen for a reason, and you learn from it all.

The next lyric says:
Then the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining.

So true, John, yet again!!!

Our lasts Ecuador meeting is in 45 minutes. 11 days!

Homework is done. My hair looks good. Life is pretty sweet.

OUT!

Gotta getaway from here,
Gotta get away
From all these thinkers,
Drinking up my thoughts again.

I’M PLANNING MY ESCAPE! YAY! I just wish I spoke Spanish… or Caitlyn.

Destination? If all goes according to plan, Peru for a part of the summer through Seattle Community College’s Global Impact program. I am no longer (home)bound by my heart (not saying I regret that, because I don’t at all!). This goes beyond just my desire to go abroad – I can go to sleep with a clear mind and wake up thinking about… anything else. I didn’t think it was possible, but maybe those truths&lies I had to tell myself are becoming all true. What progress :)

Most of all, at this present time, I want to get away from the ignorant, self-righteousness, and culturally insensitive SUCON (the lovely SU College of Nursing). Fine, I shouldn’t say the whole SUCON is guilty, but one person in particular. What happened to justice? My blood has been boiling since Saturday night but the thought of leaving is making it better. I’m looking for a retreat center to live at for free, like what a special friend is doing in Ireland this summer… lucky!

Ecuador countdown: 15 days!!!

Flickr!

Today was terrible but I slept in so I am wired at 2 AM... it’d be nice for this day to just end. I’m at home in Federal Way and America’s Best Dance Crew just came on so I get to watch Quest so maybe it will be okay.

Anyway, please take a look at my flickr account! (click that now!) I spent my day playing with photoshop. I’ve fallen in love with photography again... my goal is to get better at it :) Maybe lent?

From Folklife 2008, called “Love”

I see 3 types of love in there (puppy love, literal puppy love, family)… and a buttcrack.

F my life . com

I have a very important announcement to make…

New amazing website:
http://www.fmylife.com/

Here’s a few random samples:

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" No later, a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was tranny-night. FML

If you’re ever having a shitty day, read this. Hell, read it every day! My big brother showed me it. Wow.

Today I got to snowboard with both my brothers and it felt nice to be good enough to keep up with those speedsters. It was another spring skiing day – no fleece necessary! We never stopped on our runs and we made A LOT because there was no one up there! Tomorrow is gonna hurt. Definitely some good sibling bonding. I wish I could see him more… we have a lot in common. I think the most bonding moment was when I found out Mark thinks Pineapple Express is the funniest movie ever. And he appreciates the beauty of the slow clap and will spread it to California.

Fun over! Now on to the rest of HELLWEEK!
…FML

Button

So I just got back from seeing Benjamin Button for a second time… I’m entranced again but have clinical early tomorrow so will leave you with just one of many amazing quotes.

 

Benjamin Button: For what it's worth, it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Good night, (your name).

:)

Grounding

Last quarter was full of changes but I find that this quarter will challenge me in even more ways… but this time, I am more welcoming.

I have led a very privileged life and am beyond grateful for that. There is a part of me that constantly strives to find the deeper meanings in life. Luckily I have had the chance to see much of the world, but have I really seen the world for what it is? Not really, since my Dad finds joy in the finer things. Ecuador is happening soon and I don’t know what to expect, I am purposely going with no expectations, because I want my eyes to be opened to whatever reality is. This trip will be the grounding I have been looking for.

Going back to Bailey Gatzert has been so good for me and my growth as a person. It has only been two weeks for an hour and a half each, but I always leave with a new footing. Things are put back into perspective. I remember how kids give me pure joy and hearing their stories gives me wisdom and strength.

Even school has been grounding for me. This quarter we are working with psych patients and with geriatric patients at nursing homes. I cannot say specifics for confidentiality reasons, but I will say that this quarter I am reminded to be thankful to be alive without illness, mental or physical. Perhaps that is what this new thirst for new experiences has stemmed from… I just want to live life to the fullest, as cliché as that sounds.

With those deeper meanings I also find myself making theories about what I find most important in life: that is love. All kinds of love – romantic, familial, between friends, between strangers. I thank God that I have experienced all of these types of love, all so sweet, some too sweet, making them bittersweet (but still sweet). I am just thankful for all love.

Then there is the Search retreat in a couple weeks…

All I know is that I am trying to find meaning, and in that, some grounding. Here’s to the journey!

PS – GOBAMA! Happy New Year! (Inaugural and the Lunar New Year… yay ox)

Extreme

Live a little. Even as I find myself being alone here, I find such joy blasting music and singing like a fool. The past week has been filled with fun distractions but hopefully reality won’t be too harsh soon. Week one of the quarter only happens… once a quarter.

My cousin and I are planning on skydiving but that probably won’t happen until summer. I can’t wait.

Pandora just gave me the song New Soul by Yael Naim and I think it’s suiting: