Honest Ventilation

A lot rides on a midterm on Monday but I don’t feel like studying anymore. I’ve been really stressed today, on the verge of a breakdown, but I fought it. I hate being weak, and I’m not sure if it would’ve helped. If need be I’ll break down after the test… I’m already making arrangements :( My biggest fear in life is failure, which to me is a form of personal weakness, and I need to learn to love myself if I do, in fact, need to face that fear soon. Ugh.

This negative thinking stuff sucks. Since nursing started, I’ve noticed that I complain a lot. How unattractive. How annoying. I apologize for this. It is my main coping mechanism, but hey, at least I’m being honest.

Speaking of honesty, one thing that I want to publish to the world to get off my chest: I am happy to announce the progress I’ve made with my damaged heart this past month.

The complaining I mentioned (too often) stemmed from the unsettled matters of my heart and it can finally be said that I’ve made strides in my healing process – and I think I know why. For one, I was finally honest with myself. I acknowledged that I was not as strong as I gave off, and it’s okay for me to not be strong sometimes. I was honest that it was not mutual and that I lied to myself; someone I deeply loved hurt me, caused me pain again and again (might I add that it was unintentional). Now I know that people and life change all the time (even when you think you understand it/them), when you least expect. No more lying to myself. Every feeling that I feel is okay. Anger, sadness, confusion… whatever… and it’s gonna keep happening and that’s fine! Accepting it and facing it will only help in the long run :)

I have learned so much about myself this year and that wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t been alone. I have goals… hopes… dreams… things I never named before that I can now look forward to.

So through this pain, I have gained so much and I am thankful for my friends who help me get through every day.

It is easy to say that this year has probably been the “worst” overall of my life. There have been so many amazing parts, don’t get me wrong! Just overall feelings… but things are looking up, minus this damn class and midterm.

Just keep fishing, just keep swimming!!!

I will leave you with an image from The Rescue:

Image by Rhys Logan on Flickr from the Seattle Rescue!